Archive for July, 2010

Hey guys. :)

For a while now I’ve been struggling a lot with feeling worthless, like I’m not worthy of people wanting to be my friend, or that even if I do find some amazing person they won’t stick around once they realize who I really am. I’m pretty sure all of us think this to some extent, but I’ve been actually crying myself to sleep over it for the last couple of months. Pathetic, I know.

But anyway, I was looking through a whole bunch of stuff that I had shoved into the back of my closet from when I was ages 2-about 11. Reading through it was just hilarious… my messed up attempts at writing stories as a 9 year old, pictures of Lord of the Rings characters from when I was 10..

But I found this one poem I had written when I was 8. It was the typical kind of little kid poem, but then the last verse stated that I loved Jesus best of all, because he loves me and stays with me no matter what happens, and no matter what I do.

So I started thinking, if I knew that Jesus was by my side and telling me that he loves me when I was 8, why don’t I get it now, at 15? So often I figure that I just asked Jesus into my heart and then he was content to just watch from heaven as I stumble my way through life, and that whenever I’m “good enough” he’ll come and be with me again.

But that’s not it at all. God is right with me no matter where I go, and no matter what I do–he’ll be there holding my hand. No matter how many people leave my life, no matter how many times I feel I’m nothing, he’ll be right there beside me, sharing my pain. I don’t know why, but I had forgotten that he was always there beside me, that I don’t have to prove myself for him to love me.

I feel this peace about my worth in God that I haven’t felt for a while, and it’s making me really happy. =)

And thanks, 8-year-old me, for showing me something you thought was obvious… I think I’m starting to get it.



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I’m sick. I don’t know what happened, but I just feel extremely sick. I’m guessing it was something I ate, because my stomach is super picky about what goes in it, unfortunately.

Yeah, I’m one of those people who after eating a bowl full of chips will be groaning from a stomachache about three hours later. If I don’t eat enough veggies, my body fights me until I start eating healthy again.

The few people that know about it are actually jealous of that weird trait of mine. Everyone wants to eat healthy, and to keep their body happy, but hey! I get sick if I don’t, so I don’t have a choice! (That’s how they see it, anyway. I find loopholes and eat unhealthily anyway.)

People get praised so much about putting good food into their body, and nourishing it and taking care of it. If someone doesn’t eat junk food they are almost considered a saint in how the take care of themselves. Everyone sees them as a role model–someone to imitate.

It made me wonder, why don’t we take care of our minds the same way?

Songs with swearing, movies with that one scene you skip for your little sister, and magazines with pictures of scantily clad women are all a part of our daily lives. And it’s praised by people! “The song’s lyrics don’t really matter, it’s just what the tune’s like or the overall message.” “Just ignore the one scene… it had good actors in it.” Excuses are made all the time to help and suppress our conscience enough to let us watch these movies and listen to our music while reading our sketchy magazines in peace.

It isn’t just in media, though. It’s also in every day speech, our actions and decisions, and our attitude towards life. Are our words helping build others up, or are we pulling them down so we become the center of attention for a blissful five minutes? Do our decisions help someone in the long run, or are the tearing people apart? But we just push our conscience to the side, saying “I didn’t do anything wrong. Everyone does it.”

I have to wonder, why is an picky stomach something to be praised for while a picky conscience is laughed at?

What have we done to ourselves? Our conscience is the Holy Spirit convicting us of what we are doing, and we’re suppressing it? Are we crazy?!

This is something I struggle with–I’m far from perfect. But I’m trying. And I think the sooner that we all try to let our conscience be a little more picky will be the day that this world changes for the better.


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A cracked mirror…

Why is it that every girl can see something bad about herself?

We see every flaw, point out features that we hate, think about how we could look better, and compare ourselves to others all the time. We look at other girls and see how thin they are, how clear their complexion is, how perfect their hair looks, and how great clothes they have–the list is endless.

For a long time I was completely depressed about how I looked. (Like, COMPLETELY depressed.) I thought I was fat, ugly, my hair was too frizzy, I had braces, I didn’t have shop at brand-name stores all that often, and I felt like a complete geek.

I wanted SO badly to look like some of my friends in the youth group. Sarah, Tina and Danielle (names changed) seemed to have it all–the best clothes, perfect hair, perfect bodies–perfect everything.

Then I started to realize something really strange: these girls thought they were ugly.

Sarah thought she was fat. Tina hated her complexion. Danielle didn’t like her hair at all. When I started to notice this, my first reaction was pretty much shock. I mean, in my opinion, these girls could be models! It got me thinking, “What am I missing? If even these girls can think they’re ugly, what am I missing about myself? Am I really ugly, or do I just think that?”

I started to feel a change in my view on things from that point on. I can’t really tell you when it happened, it just gradually grew until I could safely say that yes, I have my blemishes, but I also have features I’m really proud of.

I still can’t say that I think I’m beautiful, but I’m beginning to learn how to see myself in a different light. I don’t walk around hating myself anymore, so that’s gotta be a step up. ;)

What I wanted to say girls, is that you are beautiful. I know you’ve heard it before, and I know that you “know” that in God’s eyes you’re beautiful, but I mean it. Every time you start to think something negative about yourself, stop yourself immediately, and replace it with a thought about something you like about yourself. Do you have warm brown eyes that you love? Do you have really easy hair maintain? Do you have a good complexion?

Find something you like about yourself, and whenever you begin to put yourself down, replace that thought with something good about yourself.

It works. :) Honestly it does.


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Last time I wrote about how funny I thought it was that girls are extremely addicted to anything that had to do with a wedding. This time, I’m writing about how I think we are forgetting that the wedding is not the end of the story, unlike most disney movies. I was recently reminded of a line in he movie 27 dresses, where the main character is presented with the idea that she “[doesn’t] want a marriage. You want a wedding.”

Personally, I think our culture can be summed up in that statement. We are told that the wedding has to be amazing, but if the marriage doesn’t follow through, ditch it and move on to the next guy.

I know most of you aren’t anywhere near the marrying age, but every single one of you has most likely been affected by a divorce between two people you love, whether it be aunts and uncles, best friend’s parents, your mom and dad, grandparents, anyone. I don’t think we plan for marriages enough, and that’s dangerous. If we start planning our lives about one day, we start to focus on what doesn’t really matter–outward appearance.

What, after all, is a wedding? It’s extremely important, of course, since in God’s eyes the two people are united when they are married, but why do we make it such a glamorous event? I can’t help but wonder whether we focus way too much on the wedding itself rather than the marriage that follows.

Our culture doesn’t help much. We’re presented with the mindset that as soon as the wedding comes, everything will be all right. The truth is, it gets harder. We live in a culture where if someone “tries out” five marriages and finally finds one that works, it’s considered extremely romantic.

I find that heartbreaking.

So girls, what I’m trying to say is don’t plan your future around one day. Life isn’t like that. Whether you get married in a shady motel or the most amazing church ever with as much glitz and glam as you can get doesn’t matter. It’s what you do with that marriage, how you commit to the marriage that matters.
I think that that’s what our culture’s really missing.

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